


Long Time Coming

by citrinesunset



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Baggage, F/M, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 07:17:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16471205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrinesunset/pseuds/citrinesunset
Summary: Charles grew up using his telepathy liberally and without consideration of the consequences. It's only with time that he realizes the effect it's had on his relationships.





	Long Time Coming

**Author's Note:**

  * For [still_lycoris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/gifts).



Eventually, Charles would decide that one of the silver linings of his childhood was that he'd learned early to keep to himself and keep his thoughts inside. In retrospect, a few years of being afraid of his own mind was better than anything his mother could have tried to do for him. He could easily imagine a different turn of events, one where he ended up removed from school or even institutionalized. His mastery of his ability might have been delayed for years. Sometimes he wondered what would have happened to him if the voices really had been in his head. But everything turned out for the best in the end.

Raven was the only one who knew about his ability. It didn't take long before she told him not to use it on her.

They were lying on their stomachs in Charles' bedroom one day, playing Monopoly. He responded verbally to some inconsequential thing that she hadn't said aloud, and she frowned.

"Don't read my mind. I don't like it."

Charles was fiddling with the hotel pieces on one of the squares he owned. He stopped, taken aback by her request. "Why not? I listen to everyone's mind." He looked at the game board. "I don't use my power to cheat, if that's what you're worried about."

"I know. I just don't like it."

He hadn't had a friend since his power manifested when he was nine. He couldn't stand the thought of her leaving if he made her mad.

"Okay. I won't do it anymore."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

To his defense, he really did try after that.

Later, he would decide that it was healthy for him to learn to control when he used his power. At the time, he was glad that she was the only one who knew about it. The thought that people could object to his talents was troubling.

He didn’t know he could control minds, too. Not at first. When he figured it out, things he had taken for granted began to make sense. The way how he was always able to get his mother and stepfather to believe that Raven was a friend who was visiting. How he was always able to talk himself out of trouble at school. Once he realized that he was making these things happen, it was easier to do more. Raven became a friend who was staying for the summer while her parents were abroad. His mother was easily talked into signing permission slips for him to go on school trips. He got the car he wanted for his sixteenth birthday.

There was no harm in any of it.

* * *

Gregory thought he was cute. Charles was fifteen and had never experienced that sort of attention from a boy before. It was exciting and the obvious thing to do was let Gregory know his feelings were reciprocated.

He had his chance one day when Gregory stayed behind after gym to tie his shoes. Everyone else had already left for the locker room, and Charles joined him on the bleachers.

Gregory looked up. "What are you doing?"

Charles leaned in, intending to kiss him. But Gregory stood up and backed away like Charles had attacked him.

"What are you doing? Don't touch me."

Charles felt like he'd been slapped. "I thought you wanted—"

"Why would I want that? What do you think I am? I'm not like that."

Charles was still trying to figure out how to answer when Gregory rushed off to the locker room. They didn't talk after that.

It was a difficult thing to learn, that people's desires could be conflicted or hindered. He was so used to hearing everyone else's thoughts that it was hard to remember that everyone else lacked the luxury of hearing how normal their feelings were. It seemed unfair that he couldn't just tell them, that he had to be alone just because they were.

* * *

He met Judith at Oxford. She was brilliant, a biology student who wanted to be a doctor. And one look at her smile, and he was enamored.

At first, he found her mind fascinating. It didn't bother him that she thought about other men when they had sex, or that she'd told him that she was an only child when actually, she'd had a sister who died. It was exciting to have a window into her inner life.

But eventually it all weighed on him: the things he couldn't acknowledge because she wouldn't say them out loud. The tedium of her thoughts when she labored over what to have for dinner or whether she wanted to go out.

It wasn't her fault. He knew that.

One night, after they'd been dating for six months, they had an argument on the way back to her flat after dinner. He made another thoughtless comment and this time, she broke down crying.

"I don't know what you want me to do. It's like I always say the wrong thing even when I'm not saying anything. I know you have a lot on your mind with your thesis, but that doesn't mean you can take it out on me." 

He grew sheepish. "I know. I've been terrible lately. I'm sorry. I'll be better, I promise."

She pulled her coat closed and crossed her arms. For a moment, the only sound was their footsteps echoing in the thin winter air.

"I don't think we should see each other anymore," she said. 

After that, he didn't date. It was easier to see someone once or twice, and let things end naturally before reality could set in. Besides, it gave him more time for his thesis, and more time to spend with Raven.

* * *

He'd never seriously pictured himself as a teacher, but when he took on the role of Professor X, he found himself in his element.

For the first time, he could use his telepathy to help others. And he could do it without giving too much of himself in the process.

Being Professor X was a little like being a therapist or a priest. He could accept people's confidences and give them what they needed but offer nothing of himself, and take nothing for himself. He could use his power without making himself vulnerabe or feeling like he'd done something wrong.

After Raven left, he spent a lot of time thinking about what he could have done better. He'd tried to keep his promises to her; he hadn't always succeeded.

At least with his students, it seemed easier to avoid disappointing them.

* * *

He knew about Hank's crush on him, of course. He might even have picked up on it without reading Hank's mind. Hank was quiet but bad at hiding his feelings. He bared his soul in the way he avoided looking Charles in the eye.

It was a long time before Charles did anything. For one thing, he'd learned that people didn't always want what they thought they did. For another, he was the professor now. He was Hank's mentor. That was reason enough not to complicate things.

When he went on the serum, things changed.

The first time they slept together, it was strange to be aware only of Hank's body language. No distracting errant thoughts. No temptation to rely on Hank's thoughts as a guide. Just the two of them entwined. Flesh against flesh.

It was frightening at first, like losing one of his senses and not knowing how to find his way. But then there was relief.

He didn't realize until then what a constant presence his ability had been, or how much he relied on it in his relationships. There were not a lot of happy days in the decade that followed, but sometimes Hank managed to push away the gloom. At least for a little while.

* * *

After Charles went off the serum, Hank gave him three months before he confronted him. Hank had always been more than fair when it came to giving Charles the chance to do the right thing.

"Is it because you're in the chair again?" Hank asked. "Because I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. I don't mind if you can't do everything we used to. We can adapt. We can—"

Charles rubbed his forehead. He'd known this conversation was coming, so there seemed little point in avoiding it. "It's not that."

Hank's face fell. That was clearly the best-case scenario he could think of. "Then what?"

Charles considered his words carefully. "I care about you. I'm glad for the time we've had. But I'm not sure if I can do this."

Hank looked down at his shoes and nodded, like he'd been expecting this. "Okay. I understand."

"No, you really don't. You can't possibly—" Charles laughed bitterly. "I can't promise to never read your mind. I'd say it's because I can't always control my ability, but even if I could, it's hard to have this power and not use it. Impossibly hard, sometimes. I would never intentionally violate your boundaries, but I haven't always been good at using restraint. It's not always easy for me to handle the things I hear. It's difficult to know so much about a person, especially when it's only one way."

"That isn’t exactly new to me. I know you've read my mind before. I can deal with it."

"It's different. When I was younger, I thought my ability gave me an advantage with people. But the truth is, it complicates things. I don't want you to wake up one day and realize that you can't keep secrets from me and that you feel stifled. It's not fair."

"I stayed for ten years while I watched you try to drink yourself to death, and you think I want to leave now that you're finally yourself again? How is that fair?"

What Hank said wasn't untrue, but the harshness of it made him want to defend himself. He resisted the impulse.

"You're right," Charles admitted. "And I don't want what we had to be over. But I don't know what it says about me that I want it to simple."

"You know, " Hank said, his voice softening. "Logan told me that in his future, I was dead. I've spent a lot of my life trying to hide. Now that we all have another chance, I feel like we're making a mistake if we don't make the most of it. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be alone."

Charles took a deep breath. "No. Neither do I."

That would have to be enough.


End file.
